for the first time in my life…
i actually feel like a normal person. Even though i felt for 3 hours just like a lab rat, while at Cal State Long Beach’s DSS (Disabled Student Services) but I’m eternally grateful! With being there, i found out its the Oldest CSU Disability Service, and the best education disability center on the west coast possibly in the nation. This alone tells me I’m in experienced hands and what they recommend me to do is not bullshit.
I initially had just a meeting with Peter, the Coordinator of the Support services and Advising to help me with my present schedule problems and concerns, but i left with many epiphanies of my life. Peter explained to me what ADD was… which i really was never told, and what happens with a person with ADD. That the mind of someone with ADD constantly looks for patterns. Visually, harmonically, and just logic and behavior of others. Whats interesting about this aspect is the person with ADD has no idea their brain does this. They may notice little quirks and “habits” they tend to do but they will never understand the patterns. This is the main reason i don’t sleep. He mentioned that my mind will continuously do this even when im trying to rest. The way someone with ADD gets away from these patterns, which he showed me in his office, are with the nature sound machines. It was crazy. The sound of falling rain was putting me at ease the moment he turned it on, and he explained it’s because natural sounds like waves crashing and rain falling don’t have a pattern. The ADD mind gets so frustrated that it can’t find a pattern within it that the ADD “forgets” to keep the mind tense hence the ease and eventually sleep. He explained certain sounds will make me want to fall asleep and others to study too because they’ll affect me differently. He showed me my reflection and instantly i could see the difference in my eyes and how relaxed they were. i was amazed.
The reason i felt like a lab rat was after peter relaxed my mind fully on my school problems he asked if i would like to talk to a few of his other advisers. His reasoning were that some of the things i was explaining to him were possibly to do with some other learning disabilities. So i was able to talk to two other men about the possibilities and i took some tests and answered some questions. In the end, which I’m still going to take an elaborate psych test in the future to make sure, but i have a sensitivity to light which is causing me to have dyslexia and problems with reading that i have had my whole life. Why this affects reading is all books have black lettering on stark white paper, with sometimes a nice little sheen gloss to make the page protected. The sensitivity to light makes the white over power the black and make the words and letters “out of focus” when comprehended. But this has nothing to do with sight, i have 20/15 vision. Dave explained to me that think of your eyes as cameras. When a person is light-sensitive it’s like looking through a camera that’s facing a light or the sun. Sure the camera’s in focus and the picture should be clear but with the extra light, the film, is “over exposed” and glares appear in the photos. Well same things happens with your eyes. The photo of the words become distorted so what i saw isn’t what my mind comprehended, which in turn led to me having to read pages over at least 6 times before “getting them”. As well, i may have a depth perception problem, which also stems from the light sensitivity. Depending on the lights in a room, i can possibly see things warped or distorted, causing me to “cut the corner” and hit my hip or arm. The sensitivity inadvertently makes others and i to be or seem clumsy. They explained to me that florescent lights bug the crap out of light-sensitive people. They can see the pulsing of the florescent light when most people can’t. This causes from headaches to warped depth. I for one, am one of those “sensitive” people. Since i was little in softball at night games i’d have to wear sunglasses or a hat because the florescent lights bugged me so much. Of course at the time i just thought that was normal for someone with light eyes, not an actual learning disability. In a few weeks i will take the true psych tests, ones that last for a few days and hours, and the light tests(which will determine a color of glasses ill have to wear while reading so i don’t get headaches or get bugged by florescent lights).
But in all the experience was so relieving. To finally know what I’ve had to live with and how now, with my medication and help from wonderful people, i can have a normal academic and personal life. I will be finally, after 21 years, on a level playing field with everyone else in the world who doesn’t have any disabilities. Which that alone makes me the happiest person alive at this moment. I can finally live without being trapped in my head of the constant ADD patterns which i never knew about until a few days ago.
I’m ready for the world, and the world better be ready for the new Ashley; who is finally comfortable in her own skin.
Murphys Law
